over the past five years i have done nothing but wrong. things improve but then come tumbling down again. i try and fix the situations and people never understand. they assume its a phase or that i really am a terrible person deep down at heart. i mean, let’s be honest here. i’m socially awkward, i’ve lost 90% of my friends, people don’t understand me. i’m indecisive to the point that I’m living in my parents basement bc I can’t decide what to do with my life. my own family doesn’t understand me. my own religion/church believes i’m a abomination and going to hell for my “sin”. it sucks.

theres a upside to all of this… i’m in a relationship with a man that I love and care for A LOT. he is everything to me. he keeps me in check and knows when to be quiet and just hold me. we are going on 6 months. he is perfect. i couldn’t be anymore happier and that terrifies me. i want to be the best for him, i don’t want him to leave me. i am throwing myself out there again which is a scary thought. I was cheated on in my last relationship multiple times. I took him back and he did it even more than before.

so letting myself open up again to someone is scary as hell bc I can’t be hurt again. but deep down the man i am with now will be my future now and forever. no, this is not a “pity party” post. this is just a post about myself and what i am trying to deal with every single day. no, I’m not looking for pity support. i’m just talking - so step off.

01.04.13
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